Seasonal News: Workers up and down the country are having to face each other today for the first time since the social apocalypse that is the office party.

“I knew things were really bad this morning when I got a wink from the receptionist,” says Clive Mann, 38, from Tyneside, who woke up on Saturday with all his clothes on and still gripping his bedroom curtains which he had pulled from the rail.

“On closer inspection I found some dried semen in the pocket of my own overcoat.”

Having rung co-workers, got no answer, only to then receive cryptic text messages such as ‘Didn’t know you fancied her!’ and ‘EPIC FAIL!’, Clive crept into work early this morning and is still hiding behind his computer screen.

“People just burst out laughing and walk away. I haven’t seen my boss yet. I hope she’s kept her sense of humour about whatever’s happened.”

“Last thing I can remember is naming all the vodka shots in front of me after the seven dwarfs.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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