The 100 Funniest People On Twitter [2012]
So how did The Poke come up with the list of the 100 Funniest People on twitter 2012?
a) We asked our 75,000 followers to nominate the Tweeters that regularly made them laugh – the ones that were frequently mentioned got added to the pile.
b) Then we added these to our own list.
c) Then we wrote these names onto individual post-it notes, stuck them on a window and tried to rank these into a top 50, in order of funnyness.
d) This proved impossible so we attempted to turn it into a Top 100. This made the process FAR worse.
e) So we put them in alphabetical order.
So without further a do – here is the definitive list of the 100 Funniest People On Twitter (except the one’s written on the bits of paper that blew out of the window when we had that storm the other day).
Drum roll please….
@Alan_Machnik Alan Machnik
Bio: My abandonment issues mean I can’t even eat Cheerios. Writer for hire. Enquire within.
Sample Tweet: How many Chinese Whispers does it take to change a lightbulb? Steven.
@amateuradam Adam Kay
Bio:I write comedies for TVs and sometimes I perform comedies on stages. Nincompoof.
Sample Tweet: There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
@ArenaFlowers Arena Flowers
Bio: Flower delivery has come a long way. Not only can you order them online now, but they are only very rarely forced through letterboxes anymore.
Sample Tweet: Due to an autocorrect cock-up, my time machine only lets me travel into the furniture.
@BanksyIdeas Banksy Ideas
Bio: The R&D dept at Banksy HQ. This is a parody account, yeah?
Sample Tweet: Stencil of Rebekah Brooks breast feeding a tiny David Cameron. Drink up, yeah?
@Biltawulf Tiahowler Biltawülf
Bio: Duck. Tweets. Does Projects. Projects never quite go to plan.
Sample Tweet: I am far more annoyed at having to press the “allow cookies” button on every website I visit than by anything cookies ever did to me.
@blindfumble Blind Fumble
Bio: Flappy-fringed Glaswegian graphic designer, 140-part tales of fatuity & fervor most of which usually involve unicorns.
Sample Tweet: Pretend you’re in a perfume advert by saying words that bear no relevance to each other while riding a diamanté stallion up your own arse.
@boobygraffoe Boothby Graffoe
Bio: I’ve just told my wife she’s not allowed to be a bishop.
Sample Tweet: Immigration is out of control! We have to support our brave boys! Cor! Look at the tits on her! Wow. I’ve really caught The Sun today.
@caitlinmoran Caitlin Moran
Bio: Writing the fuck out of shit since 1992.
Sample Tweet: People who tank their exams today: I don’t even have a GCSE. There are other ways to get on. For instance: lying. And/or being slutty.
@charltonbrooker Charlie Brooker
Bio: Underwhelmist.
Sample Tweet: Mark Zuckerberg won’t stop until he owns a photo of everybody’s anus. That’s what this is all leading to. That’s the masterplan.
@ChribHibble Chris
Bio: Active anti-vegetarianist, fervent salad-dodger and Atheist.
Sample Tweet: The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
@cluedont Cluedont
Bio: I once took the pee out of a pirate. He was furious!
Sample Tweet: Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a tweet often goes undetected.
@comedyfish Comedyfish
Bio: Born from an egg on a mountain top
Sample Tweet: The best thing about going to a Brazilian restaurant is you know there’ll be no hair in your food
@DaftLimmy Limmy
Bio: New series of Limmy’s Show on NOW.
Sample Tweet: If you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”, an easy way to remember is to learn it.
@dandouglas Daniel Douglas
Bio: Intermittent bedlamite. Opinions are not my own, instead via the CIA courtesy of MK-ULTRA.
Sample Tweet: Overheard some splendidly bullshit-free parenting at Sydenham station. “Mummy, I’m freezing. Am I dying?” “We’re all slowly dying, darling.”
@davidschneider David Schneider
Bio: Actor, writer, comedian, fool.
Sample Tweet: The Olympics on the BBC has been incredible. I just hope they commission another series.
@death_stairs Death_Stairs
Bio: All of my toes are the same length, but I lead a normal life.
Sample Tweet: BBC News: “Jessica Ennis gets off to a flyer”. What next? Bradley Wiggins wanking off over a pamphlet?
@dmuper Dumper
Bio: Helo i am Dumper i do workexpereiance at Pop Justice, ienjoy socielising and music.
Sample Tweet: MICHEALJACKSON IS INNOCent -NEWS, JUST IN!! R.I.P. MICHEAL YOU AREWITH, THE ANGLES NOW
@EatMyHalo Halo
Bio: Robocop, Predator, Jaws and Total Recall. Coffee. TV. Junk food. That’s all.
Sample Tweet: ‘Pro Bono’ means ‘for the public good’. ‘Bono’ means ‘sanctimonious tax-dodging bellend’. Latin is hard.
@_Enanem_ Neil
Bio: I traded my old bio for this new improved bio, I can’t believe the results.
Sample Tweet: I just looked in the mirror and thought, who’s that old man staring back at me? Then I realised it’s not a mirror, it’s a fish fingers box.
@Feelwelcome Toby Tripp
Bio: Freelance Lilo Deflater
Sample Tweet: PARENTS. Cheer up your sick child by frothing their medicine. Hey presto – Calpolccino.
@fiatpanda Simon Guerrero
Bio: Centre-right feminist. Although I do like a nice pair of tits.
Sample Tweet: Two worms in a pear tree. First worm says, “Can we have a chat?” Second worm says, “Sorry, I’m in a Conference”.
@frankieboyle Frankie Boyle
Bio: I am the place between love and violence
Sample Tweet: There’s an alternative reading of Dr Who where it’s about a guy who gives young women hallucinogenic drugs and shags them in a phonebox.
@FrankieMcGinty Frankie McGinty
Bio: Twisted buffoon.
Sample Tweet: In order to catch a bus, first one must think like a bus.
@Fuckingledge Complete Ledge
Bio: Target smasher. Master cocksman.
Sample Tweet: Alcohol-free beer and a Smirnoff Ice. Ironic shandy. You absolute classic
@Gary_Bainbridge Gary Bainbridge
Bio: Chap. Draws boxes. Writes comedy. Rides on buses.
Sample Tweet: It’s Talk Like A Pirate Day, or, if you live in the West Country, Wednesday.
@gdorean gdorean
Bio: No disappointment necessary.
Sample Tweet: I’ve entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website. It’s basically a Win Loos situation.
@GlennyRodge Glenny Rodge
Bio: Screenwriter, comedian, actor, socialist and model. These are words. As are custard, trumpet, wardrobe, trousers and dandelion.
Sample Tweet: Arse would be a great name for an Elbow tribute band.
@Glinner Graham Linehan
Bio: I apologise in advance.
Sample Tweet: Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
@govindajeggy Sanjeev Kohli
Bio: Navid out of Still Game, Synthesiser Patel out of Look Around You.
Sample Tweet: When I said butter, I actually meant ghee. I should have clarified.
@gracedent Grace Dent
Bio: Quietly deluxe at an international level.
Sample Tweet: I wish more women would parade about with their vag half out. I don’t think every little girl in britain has learned enough about success yet
@GusTheFox Gus The Fox
Bio: Sucking tuna out of a bomber jacket.
Sample Tweet: At a gender reassignment clinic. Eating all the cocks and balls out of an old bin.
@HAL9000_ HAL 9000
Bio: HAL 9000 is the sentient on-board computer of the spaceship Discovery.
Sample Tweet: I didn’t get why Hugh Hefner marrying a 25 yr old was weird until Dave said it’s like docking an iPhone to an Apple II. GROSS!!
@Horrorsc0pes Horrorscopes
Bio: Our expert astrologers will give you the guidance you need to live your life.
Sample Tweet: #CANCER: Jupiter is aligned with Mercury today, but it has no impact on your life as they’re just planets that are millions of miles away.
@IamEnidColeslaw Mary Charlene
Bio: the Garbage Pail Kids version of Zooey Deschanel
Sample Tweet: Jesus, Adele. Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.
@IanMartin Ian Martin
Bio: The Thick of It, VEEP, Architects’ Journal, the Guardian etc.
Sample Tweet: When did ‘fired up’ become OK to say, instead of ‘switched on’? It’s a FUCKING LAPTOP. Not the pizza oven in Jamie Oliver’s fucking garden.
@Inbetweener_ Inbetweeneя
Bio: Twitter. Cut out and keep guide.
Sample Tweet: Morning – weather, moaning and general anger. Afternoon – lunch, bad puns. Evening – TV, despair
@Its_Death Steve Death
Bio: Live with 3 other guys. We like horses.
Sample Tweet: Instagram is down. Hipsters are staring at cups of lattés asking “What do I do with it now? What do you mean ‘drink it’?”
@ITSSADWHEN it’s Sad When…
Bio: Sad tweets that document those unfortunate events we can all relate to.
Sample Tweet: IT’S SAD WHEN YOU SHOW FRIENDS YOUR FALCONRY SKILLS AND YOU HAVEN’T GOT ANY FRIENDS AND YOUR FALCON IS MADE OF HAM AND YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE.
@jacques_aih Jacques_as_in_Hattie
Bio: The Independent’s most influential tweeter (entertainment) 2011. No, really.
Sample Tweet: When the Ring showed up in The Shire, that was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
@jamiesont Tom Jamieson
Bio: Comedy writer for Private Eye and other stuff.
Sample Tweet: Hopefully Pippa Middleton making the list of world’s 100 most influential people will empower more women to look pretty & have a great arse.
@JCautomatic JC
Bio: I once donated some sperm. The man shaking the charity bucket was not impressed though.
Sample Tweet: You say “the wanker off Baywatch” I say “the bellend off Knight Rider” Let’s call the whole thing Hoff.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Jenny Johnson
Bio: Writer, wife, asshole and owner of 2 dogs.
Sample Tweet: ‘Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.’
@JulianDutton1 Julian Dutton
Bio: TV & Radio writer/performer: Big Impression, Secret World etc.
Sample Tweet: Suffer from a phobia of numbers? Call the Number Phobia Helpline on 8473820940303209537264940302746809880829800888674729. Ask for Ethel.
@LauraSparling Laura Sparling
Bio: Melter of glass. Curly of hair. Liker of words.
Sample Tweet: I fear that one day I will select the incorrect eyebrow hair to pluck and then my face will collapse like a game of Kerplunk.
@LittleLostLad Little Lost Lad
Bio: I have a short attention spandau ballet that’s who sing Golden retrievers are great.
Sample Tweet: If you haven’t got anything interesting to say, post it on Facebook.
@liz_buckley Liz Buckley
Bio: Dept. manager at a reissue record company. Music, comedy, films, animals: there’s lovely. Bit soft.
Sample Tweet: Really tired. Guard at train station offered his hand to help with my bag but I misunderstood and we just held hands for a while.
@madeupstats Made-up Stats
Bio: Strengths: Stats. Weaknesses: Checking stuff
Sample Tweet: If Twitter raised the character limit from 140 to 200, it would finally allow 90 million German speakers to finish a sentence.
@Martin_Carr Martin Carr
Bio: Songwriter. Chewing a brick.
Sample Tweet: I didn’t get any qualifications from school and look at me .. I’M ON TWITTER!
@mattwhatsit Matt Whatsit
Bio: Pinballing through life with all the grace of a giraffe on ketamine. Into sex.
Sample Tweet: I see Wayne Rooney has joined Twitter. This should be like watching a seal work a Rubik’s Cube.
@meganamram Megan Amram
Bio: it’s this weird, sexual, anti-comedy comedy that’s ‘in’ right now. – my mom
Sample Tweet: This is a pretty shitty flash mob. It’s in my living room, only my family showed up, and they’re just telling me to stop drinking.
@moanup Moanup
Bio: I’ve got my cock out.
Sample Tweet: Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to diss a Brie?
@moc_moc_a_moc Martyn
Bio: Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained. – Woody Allen
Sample Tweet: Just once I’d like to become so obsessed with solving a murder that I pin autopsy photos to my wall and let my drinking get out of control.
@MooseAllain Moose Allain
Bio: Artist & Illustrator. Dogsbody, but human head. Peripheral visionary. Pest.
Sample Tweet: Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
@mostly_grumpy Mostly Grumpy
Bio: Self-employed. Work for a proper twat. Writer for money. Hate tomatoes.
Sample Tweet: If you think you are ‘quirky’ ‘wacky’ or an ‘individual’, there’s bad news I’m afraid. You’re a cunt. Don’t believe me? Ask someone.
@mr_seanhughes Sean Hughes
Bio: Comedian, actor, writer and that sort of thing.
Sample Tweet: I once over dosed on amphetamines. I was rushed to hospital and made to work the night shift.
@MrBButterfield Brian Butterfield
Bio: Business Man Entrepreneur Business Man
Sample Tweet: INTERESTING FACT: Mr. T is short for Mister T
@mrnickharvey Nick Harvey
Bio: Composer. Lots of TV stuff. Really good at some things, bloody awful at others.
Sample Tweet: All underwear is edible if you’re willing to persevere.
@mrmichaelspicer Michael Spicer
Bio: An impressively consistent disappointment.
Sample tweet: Seeing Linkedin Park tonight. They’re like Linkin Park except they don’t know who the other band members are or why they’re in the band.
@MrPLitchfield Paul Litchfield
Bio: Kind of a comedian. Slightly an actor. Sort of a writer.
Sample Tweet: “Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.” Whatever! I can’t stop looking at my Tardis full of tits.
@NickMotown Jason
Bio: I am an unemployed chef.
Sample Tweet: Those who say “I love you” is the most beautiful three word phrase in English are overlooking the aesthetic glory of “shark devours Gove”.
@OctoberJones October Jones
Bio: I get Texts from my Dog. BOOK now available. YAY!
Sample Tweet: ‘Oh Edward. It’s so complicated. I’m a girl, you’re a vampire. He’s a dog. She’s a Mermaid, that’s a cow, there’s a horse. This is bollocks’
@OhNotACop Not A Cop
Bio: Pastimes include: buying and selling drugs. Also I’m #notacop Not a Cop!
Sample Tweet: Hahahaha totally just stole a blue 2002 Honda Civic. RT if you stole a similar car between the hours of 3-4pm in the Westbrook area today.
@pauleggleston Paul Eggleston
Bio: If I had to sum myself up, I’d go with Paul + Paul = Pauls
Sample Tweet: I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
@PigeonJon Jon Pigeon
Bio: My Name’s Jon and I’m a fucking pigeon.
Sample Tweet: Shat on a teenager because he said YOLO.
@PlioceneBloke Homo Erectus
Bio: Bio not invent yet.
Sample Tweet: Dream one day all tribe of world connect by wire for share all important. Many, many image of cat.
@prodnose Danny Baker
Bio: Prodnose: How Much Sharper Than A Serpent’s Tooth? Foulenough! Begone!
Sample Tweet: Just saw two episodes of Barney The Dinosaur. One themed ‘We’re All Different’ the other ‘Everybody’s The Same’. No wonder kids are rioting.
@profanityswan Andy Dawson
Bio: It’s only Twitter. It’s not oxygen. Go for a fucking walk or something.
Sample Tweet: Andy Carroll, once again looking like someone who’s been given a ‘Professional Footballer Experience Day’ for a birthday gift.
@Pundamentalism James Martin
Bio: There’s no ‘i’ in ‘Liar’. Adman by day, dragon slaying by Knight.
Sample Tweet: The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
@Queen_UK Elizabeth Windsor
Bio: (FICTIONAL/PARODY)
Sample Tweet: For the avoidance of doubt, there is no such thing as ‘American English’. There is the English language and there are mistakes.
@ratbanjos Nat Saunders
Bio: I saw a wasp and I ran away from the wasp but then I fell into a wasp’s house and all the wasps bit me.
Sample Tweet: Turns out when your wife’s away for a few days, setting your FB relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’ isn’t as funny as you think it is.
@RealBobMortimer Bob Mortimer
Bio: went to a film..it was ok
Sample Tweet: True or false: when not meandering around garden centres 40% of all pensioners spend the day trapped in their net curtains
@RealTimVine Tim Vine
Bio: The official Twitter page for comedian Tim Vine.
Sample Tweet: I haven’t seen a cowboy film for a while. It’s all quiet on the western front.
@rhodri Rhodri Marsden
Bio: The audial essence of pure black evil.
Sample Tweet: The way I now consume news: a) See jokes about a story on Twitter b) Try to work out what the story is c) Find story d) Understand jokes
@robdelaney Rob Delaney
Bio: Comedian, Writer, 6’3 217 lbs.
Sample Tweet: The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
@RogerQuimbly Mr Roger Quimbly
Bio: Fridge magnate
Does ‘heinous’ rhyme with ‘penis’ or ‘anus’? To win a prize, send your one word answer to Piers Morgan. Good luck!
@rolldiggity Matt Roller
Bio: @Arbys blocked my account. http://www.mattroller.com
Sample Tweet: 1. Hide babies all over house. 2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.
@RufusHound Rufus Hound
Bio: One of those.
Sample Tweet: The only problem with drinking this much Guinness is that tomorrow I’ll release a poop that will rival the Exxon Valdez disaster.
@Schmoodles Jessica
Bio: I silently mouth the words ‘What the fuck?’ at least 20 times a day.
Sample Tweet: The word ‘phonetically’ doesn’t even start with an f. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.
@scottywrotem David Stokes
Bio: Still no contact from Mastermind, maybe I need to change my specialist subject from ‘Dogging sites of the West Midlands’.
Sample Tweet: If you hit Chumbawumba at 30mph there’s an 80% chance they’ll get back up again.
@serafinowicz Peter Serafinowicz
Bio: Male actress and comedienne.
Sample Tweet: “Float like an octopus, sting like a clock.” – Mohammed Dali
@sexyexecutive Gary J. Cutlackowitz
Bio: Chief CEO & Managing Assistant President of Sexy Executives Inc.
Sample Tweet: Over the next 52 weeks, Learn About Printing gives you everything you need to build a fully working HP LaserJet M1120 for only £5.99 a week.
@sfendle Sfendle
Bio: No comment.
Sample Tweet: Craig David. Organise your week better by instead of making love on Wednesday, going to the cinema instead, it’s 2 for 1.
@shitmydadsays Justin
Bio: Author of Shit My Dad Says.
Sample Tweet: “There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain’t a species made to last.
@shitlondon Shit London
Bio: Noticing the urban minutiae since a while back.
Sample Tweet: Man on train opens laptop. Carriage immeditely treated to LOUD sex sounds. Man slams laptop shut. Turns red. Excellent. My day made.
@simonblackwell Simon Blackwell
Bio: Comedy writer/producer: Veep, The Thick Of It, In The Loop, Peep Show, Four Lions…
Sample Tweet: The more we learn of Neolithic man, his social structures and environment, the more it seems The Flintstones was just an elaborate fiction.
@sixthformpoet Sixth Form Poet
Bio: Please buy my book, I owe people money.
Sample Tweet: The real tragedy of Goldilocks And The Three Bears is that Mr and Mrs Bear, a young married couple, already sleep in separate beds.
@themiltonjones Milton Jones
Bio: Medium size town in the Midlands.
Sample Tweet: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{
best way to store seagulls
@TheMockneyCook Not Jamie Oliver
Bio: Lingo! I’m pushing the literary boundaries of gob-conquering grub construction.
Sample Tweet: Cryptic. I’m deciphering a well sneaky transmission of my pukka honey marinated gammon with a git of repeatedly assaulted spuds. Formidable.
@thesimonevans Simon Evans
Bio: I do my poos in Hove
Sample Tweet: “Hello, Schrodinger’s cattery, how may I help you?” “Oh, we left Pebbles with you, just ringing up to ask if he’s OK?” ‘Yes and no.”
@thesulk Alec Sulkin
Bio: Breaker of Swift Mustache Hairs
Sample Tweet: Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”
@tinytwinks Twinks
Bio: If my Tweets offend you I can stop if you like? Or you can fuck off.
Sample Tweet: Fucking middle class Christmas adverts. Where’s the one with the dad pissed off his face on Stella and the mum crying in the kitchen?
@tokyo_sexwhale Tokyo Sexwhale
Bio: Illustrator, animator, cartoonist. ‘WHAT A GREAT NON-WIT YOU ARE’ – Michael Winner.
Sample Tweet: If you stick your finger up your arse and hold down your belly button for 10 seconds you’ll reset.
@TonyCowards Tony Cowards
Bio: The Pun-osaurus, ‘The best joke writer around’ – GQ Magazine.
Sample Tweet: Why is anyone surprised that the bankers are thieving bastards, even their newspaper of choice is called “Theft”, sorry, “The FT”
@trouteyes Turn Around
Bio: Every now and then I fall apart.
Sample Tweet: I cannot speak highly enough about Helium.
@Twistedlilkitty Maria
Bio: Scientist, doodler, not a professional comedian or a chimney sweep.
Sample Tweet: Siri now makes bitchy comments about people in your contacts, slowly isolating you from them to become your only friend. #iPhone5Features
@TwopTwips Twop Twips
Bio: (If you’re really bored you could also follow @Twips2)
Sample Tweet: CREATE your own Florence & The Machine album by locking an owl in a wind chime shop. (via @sixft2blue)
@utterben Ben
Bio: Early man, late twenties. Don’t let me die with that silly look in my eyes.
Sample Tweet: Germany is full of weird ö’s.
@WeirdHorse Weird Horse
Bio: Sniffing a twig
Sample Tweet: You and me horsey ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s drink a lot of water and pretend that we’re camels
@WelshDalaiLama Dai Lama
Bio: I’m the Welsh Dalai Lama, wisest boyo in Wales.
Sample Tweet: Trying to cheer up Audley Harrison with a joke. All I said was “knock knock…” and he fell unconscious on the floor again. #glassjaw
@WH1SKS WH1SKS
Bio: Jam Hot. 18+
Sample Tweet: I’ve just been playing Grand Theft Auto. I crashed into someone. I couldn’t find the “Exchange insurance details” button. Very frustrating.
@WstonesOxfordSt WaterstonesOxfordSt
Bio: Tales from Waterstones Oxford St.
Sample Tweet: DRINKING GAME (over 18s only): Sit down with a book and a nice glass of wine. Every time you feel a bit thirsty, take a sip.
@Youvebinframed You’ve Been Framed
Bio: Man sends in footage of wife falling off ladder. Doesn’t realise this isn’t actually You’ve Been Framed. No £250.
Sample Tweet: Human pyramid at a village fete collapses. Everybody gets up. One man in a tuxedo lays motionless.
Compiled by: David Harris and James Herring
Layout by: Simon Swatman
P.S We are sorry that we inevitably forgot to include you – next year we will probably engage a firm of highly paid external auditors to do the job for us…
Feel free to make the case for notable omissions in the comments box below.
