Roman Abramovich Admits To Redundancy Addiction

Sacking News: Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich says he’s addicted to making people redundant and promises to seek help once he finds a therapist to replace the one he’s just fired.

Abramovich’s admission came after an intervention by friends and family, following his sacking of manager Chelsea Roberto Di Matteo. Abramovich reportedly then tried to sack his family, a man raking some leaves on the lawn of his West London home – and the girl working behind the desk of the clinic he was later admitted to.

“My addiction – my curse – started when I was young,” said the business tycoon. “When I was nine I had a teacher sacked after he gave a boring lesson. In years to come I developed a taste for making people redundant – I was doing three, sometimes five sackings a day.”

Abramovich is now undergoing ‘forced employment’ sessions, when he is forced to let people keep their jobs for a couple of days before sacking them. “Early signs of progress are good,” said Abramovich’s therapist.

“I’m convinced that within a year he’ll be able to let people work at least a few months before firing them.”

Story: Simon Swatman