Climate Change Could Threaten Bearded Hipsters

Beard News: Rising temperatures due to climate change could mean hipsters may not be able to sustain large bushy beards in the years to come, scientists have warned.

“Data suggests that in 70 years time the climate may just be too hot for hipsters to sport large beards,” said Dr. Steve Barbo from the Hirsute Department of the Climate Change Authority.

“They’ll find temperatures are too high to have that much hair on their face – possibly spelling an end of the ‘urban lumberjack’ look once and for all.”

Researchers used computer modelling to analyse the influence of rising temperatures on the density and size of beards.

They predict that within a decade bearded hipsters will find their facial hair ‘deeply stifling’ to maintain during increasingly hot summers and that in 70 years time even having an ironic moustache could prove ‘potentially fatal’ to hipsters.

“If we don’t act soon, it may mean an end of beards on the high street and in popular culture,” said Dr. Barbo. “Bearded hipster musicians like Bon Iver and the Fleet Foxes will just be a distant, hairy, page in the history books.”

Story: Simon Swatman