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Dope News: Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong will be stripped of all his titles and forced to ride a unicycle for the rest of his life, it has been confirmed.

The International Cycling Union announced at a press conference yesterday that Armstrong had been involved in the ‘biggest doping conspiracy in the history of sport’ and part of his punishment will involve spending the rest of his natural life atop a unicycle.

“Let’s see how Lance likes his dope when he looks like a dope – on a unicycle!” said an ICU spokesman.

It is thought Armstrong’s lifetime unicycle sentence will begin next week, when he has to mount the unicycle in the car park of the International Cycling Union’s headquarters. Gathered ICU officials will then ruthlessly mock Armstrong and throw buckets of glitter over him, as if he were a clown.

“Lance Armstrong has no place in cycling. He deserves to be forgotten,” said ICU president Pat McQuaid. “Or at the very least remembered tottering around on a unicycle with a very sore bottom.”

Story+Image: Simon Swatman

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