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Putin News: After celebrating his 60th birthday last week, Russian president Vladimir Putin has outlined plans for his next 5,000 years of rule.

Putin says he has tasked the Russian Academy of Sciences to suggest ways to prolong his life past its natural length of around three to three and half thousand years. “Thanks to my daily regime of martial arts under a waterfall and sudoku I have a strong body and a healthy mind” said Putin.

“But I would like our scientists to suggest some alternatives just in case. As long as it’s not robots. Robots are for losers.”

The Russian president says he will also introduce voting reforms that mean elections will no longer be necessary as they are ‘boring’ and ‘a waste of time’ for Russian citizens.

“Perhaps every 500 years I will meet my political challengers in an abandoned warehouse so we can fight it out with baseball bats spiked with rusty nails,” he said. “Of course, this would purely be a courtesy on my part, as I am eternally invincible.”

Story: Simon Swatman


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