Excessive dildo use linked to early Parkinson’s

Sex Toy News: Excessive use of vibrating dildos can lead to the onset of early Parkinson’s, scientists claimed today.

“Our research spans 25 years,” says Professor Paul Ruddock of the International Medical Research Quorum, Chipping Sudbury. “It’s been damned hard work, but the data is conclusive: vibrating sex toys do not sit in the drawer marked ‘consequence-free pleasure’. When used in excess they can have a harrowing effect on the body’s muscular system and trigger early symptoms of Parkinsons.”

While dildo manufacturers have rejected the findings outright, other members of the scientific community have also asked questions about the methodology behind Professor Ruddock’s research, particularly the definition of the word ‘excessive’.

“Using a vibrator every night, for 3-4 hours, over the course of 25 years, is indeed ‘excessive’,” says Professor Jane Martin of University College Warwick. “But in this experiment the research subjects were fitted with permanent vibrators against their genitals for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Some did indeed develop Parkinson’s. Others simply threw themselves off a bridge, giggling and waving their hands about.”

Story: Jasper Gibson