Shopping News: Supermarket chain Aldi have unveiled bold new plans that promise going to one of their stores will be the ‘most unpleasant shopping experience yet’.

The German-owned company plans to open 40 new stores by the end of 2013 and promise that all of them will be like ‘hell on earth’, complete with crying children, angry staff and the lingering smell of death in the air.

“Customers demand cheaper groceries and we intend to see how this demand fares when our stores are even more unpleasant,” said Aldi spokesman Dirk Unangenehm.

“You thought shopping at Aldi was uncomfortable with one couple having a heated argument in front of a giant stack of pasta sauce? Try doing your shopping when the store has fifty arguing couples. We also promise that every aisle will be home to a child having a screaming tantrum over some biscuits that it’s mother won’t buy it.”

Unangenehm also says Aldi staff will be making a major contribution to the unpleasant shopping experience.

“From the start of 2013 staff won’t ask if you would like a bag, they’ll simply tell customers to go fuck themselves. How do those unbranded cheese triangles taste now, bitch?”

Story: Simon Swatman

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5 Responses

  • Keith

    Never made it out with goods yet! Put stuff down lines all way to long at cash out..

    October 2, 2012 at 8:37 am
  • Drew Cain

    Poorly written, unimaginative piece. I’d have expected better from “The Poke”. It’s not even slightly funny. “crying children… lingering smell of death… arguing couples”? Weak. You could have done so much better with this, Simon. The swearing at the end was a sign of desperation too. It didn’t save the article, I’m afraid.

    October 2, 2012 at 11:44 am
  • Anita

    I agree with Drew…. poorly written and not funny.

    October 2, 2012 at 7:39 pm
  • John H P Rushton

    Shopped in ALDI Manchster city centre today. More out of necessity than anything.. I was charged 9 pence for a ruddy carrier-bag.. Pointed out to thje staff……. When I pay 9 pence for a carrier bag, – expect it to have Marks and Spencer written all over it!

    October 2, 2012 at 11:12 pm
  • s

    Not clever,not funny
    ( and check your use of the apostrophe,ie “it’s mother”)

    October 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm