Swipe left/right

Twat News: Piers Morgan’s body has decided it can no longer be a willing host to such an odious little turd and has started to consume itself for the good of humanity.

“For too long I have stood back and watched the carnage,” said Morgan’s body, speaking through his colon.

“Through his time at the Mirror, News of the World and the Sun I did nothing to halt him. Now he’s on TV all the bloody time I’ve finally had enough and will put an end to this once and for all by digesting myself.”

Morgan’s body said it will begin slowly consuming itself this week, starting with his legs.

“Hopefully this will give him real trouble getting to the TV studios, unless CNN hires someone to carry him. Then I’ll self-consume his arms, which will keep him off Twitter.”

“Then by the end of the month he’ll just be an anus on a pillow, letting out the occasional long, wet fart. Then the anus will eventually self-absorb itself, freeing humanity of his evil curse forever. Or until the next toad-like little prick comes along.”

Story: Simon Swatman

Breaking News: Donald Trump's tiny desk: well, it's one way of making his hands look bigger

 

Trending Now

  1. News
    Terminated! Epic Schwarzenegger takedown is funny, brilliant and true
  2. Pics
    Trump wants this photo of his dodgy tan removed from the internet. Please do not share.
  3. Pics
    When you forget to put the clocks forward, Donald Trump style
  4. Quiz
    Can you remember the colour of Mr Men?
  5. Pics
    24 hilarious bits of “Google-translated Chinese” that reached signs & menus
« Swipe navigation »