Church News: His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has shocked the world by announcing that he is abandoning Catholicism to join the Church of Scientology.

The Bishop of Rome is said to have first encountered the controversial religion during his 2008 tour of the United States, where he was subjected to an, ‘audit’ by long-time friend and mentor Tom Cruise.

Insiders deny that his decision has anything to do with the recent controversy over Cardinal Carlo Montini’s deathbed denunciations, and instead point to the Pope’s lower than average thetan level.

“He was advised that it would be in his best interest to attend more audits,” says a papal source, “and ultimately convert, so he can become an Operating Thetan.”

As the Catholic world erupts with fury and bewilderment, the Vatican has appealed for calm and earlier today released the following statement:

“The Pope has taken the decision to retire from Catholicism to explore the possibilities that Scientology offers – we wish him the best in the future, as he spends the rest of his days battling Xenu before rotting in hell for all eternity.”

Story: Kris Wood

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