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Button News: Scientists have announced new findings that suggest repeatedly pushing the button for a lift makes it arrive sooner, particularly if you’re also muttering under your breath.

“For years we thought lift technology was very basic – when you push the button it comes, stopping off on floors to let people off on the way,” said Dr. Durch Abwarten of The University of Manchester.

“Our latest research shows that repeatedly hitting the button and muttering under your breath makes the lift arrive so much quicker that just patiently waiting for it.”

Dr. Abwarten also says the same techniques works on other similar technology, like waiting for the signal to turn at traffic lights.

“If someone has already pushed the button it doesn’t matter, the more times you stab the button with your angry little finger while tutting and making a pained expression then the quicker the light will change.”

“It’s what some people have known for years and that we are only able to scientifically confirm now – that technology becomes so much more efficiencent if you act like an impatient dick around it.”

Story: Simon Swatman


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