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Insecurity News: Constant attention to the minutiae of the American election is adding ‘rather nicely’ to our sense that Britain no longer matters.

“They look so important. And shiny,” said Lewis Carlisle, 32, Bucks. “Clegg doesn’t look shiny. He looks cleggy. Hands up who wants things to be more cleggy!”

With the domestic political landscape increasingly desolate, bombastic visions of impressive statesmen with good skin being cheered by vast halls of delirious supporters is making the British public insecure.

“The American election is three months aways and yet the British media already has its nose firmly pressed against the White House window,” says news consumer Marin Brike.

“It’s almost as if they’re pretending their election is our election. All this coverage just rams home what a minor international player we have become. We can’t afford the rent anymore and we’ve had to move out to the political sticks.”

“I bet Swedish people don’t worry about this sort of thing. They’re too busy flogging shit furniture and arranging threesomes.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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