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Tepid News: Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and his wife Gwyneth Paltrow have announced plans to become even more bland, according to reports.

“They intend to become totally vanilla,” said a close friend of Paltrow, 39. “They’ve had concerns that their lives are a tiny bit interesting and now they want to completely eradicate that. They want to become the human equivalent of cottage cheese.”

Paltrow and Martin, who already consider lentils to be an exciting meal, plan to make various lifestyle changes – including no longer watching TV, in the case they accidentally stumble across something to talk about – and only drinking tepid tap water, in case they encounter a pleasant flavour.

“He’s a rock star and she’s a famous actress,” said a close friend of the couple.

“If things continue the way they are, they’re in serious danger of not being run-of-the-mill and totally insipid. And we all know the dangers of living a life that is slightly above humdrum.”

“Chris is already trying his best, by wearing the most uninteresting hats he can find and now he wants Gywneth to join him on the world’s blandest adventure – I heard they’re talking about moving into a bungalow in Milton Keynes”

Story: Simon Swatman

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