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Cat News: After years battling to accept his cat’s relentless bottom-cleaning as an unavoidable part of pet ownership, Matthew Trubshaw, 43, has finally admitted that he can no longer deal with Stevens’ anus.

“When I bought Stevens, I thought he was really cute,” admits Trubshaw. “And for a time I successfully compartmentalised his behaviour as a ‘meticulous approach to hygiene’ and ‘demonstrating self-reliance’.

“But after I lost my job last year, Stevens and I began to spend much more time together and it was only then that I realised what a revolting pervert he really he is.”

“He’s either got one leg cocked up while he tongues his own shithole, or he’s uncomfortably patrolling my chest, shoving that pursed, gnarled little starfish right into my face.”

“I even tried putting some ductape over his bum but he responded by vomiting into my slippers.”

“No one told me cat ownership was going to be like this. I thought I was going to get companionship, not some feline anal carwash every time I want to watch Eggheads.”

Story: John Cadence

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