Sleep News: Tired and extremely irritable scientists are convinced snoring can be stopped by firmly holding a pillow over your partnerâs stupid fucking face.
âAfter spending every night in the last decade lying wide awake and carefully observing snorers noisily at work, I can confirm the most effective remedy is for a pillow to be held over their stupid fucking face and pressed down firmly until they stop moving,â said J.R Wheatley, head of the research team.
Previous snoring remedies have included surgery, dental appliances and jabbing the snorer in the ribs so they donât get any fucking sleep either. âOur research indicates the pillow over the gaping noise-hole is the most effective,â said Dr. Wheatley.
âWe tried tearful pleading with them, we really did. We asked them to stop snoring. Please stop, please let me have an hourâs sleep. I canât remember the last time I slept for more than a few minutes. Iâm so tired. So very, very tired.â
âAnd itâs at that point we produce the death-pillow, with astonishing results.â
Story: Simon Swatman