Sleep News: Tired and extremely irritable scientists are convinced snoring can be stopped by firmly holding a pillow over your partner’s stupid fucking face.

The breakthrough came after an intensive 10 year study, in which a group of single scientists had to share a bed every night with subjects who suffered from chronic snoring.

“After spending every night in the last decade lying wide awake and carefully observing snorers noisily at work, I can confirm the most effective remedy is for a pillow to be held over their stupid fucking face and pressed down firmly until they stop moving,” said J.R Wheatley, head of the research team.

Previous snoring remedies have included surgery, dental appliances and jabbing the snorer in the ribs so they don’t get any fucking sleep either. “Our research indicates the pillow over the gaping noise-hole is the most effective,” said Dr. Wheatley.

“We tried tearful pleading with them, we really did. We asked them to stop snoring. Please stop, please let me have an hour’s sleep. I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than a few minutes. I’m so tired. So very, very tired.”

“And it’s at that point we produce the death-pillow, with astonishing results.”

Story: Simon Swatman

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