Swipe left/right

Sleep News: Tired and extremely irritable scientists are convinced snoring can be stopped by firmly holding a pillow over your partner’s stupid fucking face.

The breakthrough came after an intensive 10 year study, in which a group of single scientists had to share a bed every night with subjects who suffered from chronic snoring.

“After spending every night in the last decade lying wide awake and carefully observing snorers noisily at work, I can confirm the most effective remedy is for a pillow to be held over their stupid fucking face and pressed down firmly until they stop moving,” said J.R Wheatley, head of the research team.

Previous snoring remedies have included surgery, dental appliances and jabbing the snorer in the ribs so they don’t get any fucking sleep either. “Our research indicates the pillow over the gaping noise-hole is the most effective,” said Dr. Wheatley.

“We tried tearful pleading with them, we really did. We asked them to stop snoring. Please stop, please let me have an hour’s sleep. I can’t remember the last time I slept for more than a few minutes. I’m so tired. So very, very tired.”

“And it’s at that point we produce the death-pillow, with astonishing results.”

Story: Simon Swatman

Breaking News: 18 of the best placards from the #StopTrump marches across the UK

 

Trending Now

  1. Pics
    “We have ways of making you talk louder”. New BBC drama SS-GB criticised for mumbling
  2. Exclusive
    12 acts of peak laziness that will make you feel better about your own slacking
  3. Pics
    Trump wants this photo of his dodgy tan removed from the internet. Please do not share.
  4. News
    Piers Morgan pulls out of hosting TV awards after “campaign” against him. World feels 1% better
  5. Weird World
    Drunken pranksters cause road havoc with a Giant Triceratops on the Isle Of Wight
« Swipe navigation »