Sleep News: Tired and extremely irritable scientists are convinced snoring can be stopped by firmly holding a pillow over your partnerâ€™s stupid fucking face.
â€śAfter spending every night in the last decade lying wide awake and carefully observing snorers noisily at work, I can confirm the most effective remedy is for a pillow to be held over their stupid fucking face and pressed down firmly until they stop moving,â€ť said J.R Wheatley, head of the research team.
Previous snoring remedies have included surgery, dental appliances and jabbing the snorer in the ribs so they donâ€™t get any fucking sleep either. â€śOur research indicates the pillow over the gaping noise-hole is the most effective,â€ť said Dr. Wheatley.
â€śWe tried tearful pleading with them, we really did. We asked them to stop snoring. Please stop, please let me have an hourâ€™s sleep. I canâ€™t remember the last time I slept for more than a few minutes. Iâ€™m so tired. So very, very tired.â€ť
â€śAnd itâ€™s at that point we produce the death-pillow, with astonishing results.â€ť
Story: Simon Swatman