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ADVERTORIAL: It’s 11am. You’ve just let out an oily fart that defies analysis. Is that sweat or diarrhoea lubricating your buttocks? The finger dipstick results are inconclusive.

Your balls are clinging to your legs, and there’s an oleaginous sheen on your thigh fronts. Your trousers feel like chewing gum sliding around on a wet bar of soap.

Why not pop in a Bendick’s Underwear mint?

Architects, chiropodists and male nurses are all sprucing up their downbelows with Bendick’s Underwear mints. Simply plunge a handful into your underwear – two if you’ve really embarrassed yourself.

Then, simply attach the provided bicycle clips, climb into a bin bag and pour in a two litre bottle of Diet Coke. The minty froth will feel like a shoal of guppies chewing at your nuts, and after two minutes of hula hooping, you’ll be fit for public transport.

Gentlemen on the move – if you find yourself about to receive oral sex, pop in a Bendick’s Foreskin Mint! It won’t cover the stench of weeklong neglect and layers of discharge lasagne, but it might give your unwitting partner something to focus on for a second, before asking you to leave.

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