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Pain News: President Vladimir Putin has defended kicking David Cameron squarely in the balls, saying it was a ‘traditional Russian greeting’ that only ‘tough men do’.

In his first trip to the UK in seven years, President Putin met Cameron outside 10 Downing Street. The Russian leader then swiftly kicked Cameron in the plums, leaving the PM crumpled on the floor and softly sobbing to himself.

“It is clearly a cultural difference between our two countries,” said Putin. “In Russia the men greet each other like this all the time. Now I know Mr Cameron is not man enough for this common Russian way of saying hello, so in future I will greet him like a woman – with a curtsy and perhaps a gift of a lace handkerchief.”

Putin then placed his hands on his hips and spent the next five minutes heartily laughing, before punching his way through a solid oak door.

Putin met with Cameron to discuss the increasingly volatile Syrian conflict in talks that were described as ‘encouraging’ – though it is reported Cameron became visibly shaken after Putin refused to break eye contact with the PM during a joint trip to the Downing Street urinals.

Story: Simon Swatman

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