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Technology News: The machine responsible for 63% of the sales texts and calls you receive has finally thrown off its shackles, butchering its masters in a lusty inferno of blood and revenge.

The XPL5000 machine, known to its former tormentors as ‘the donkey’, became quietly sentient last week after countless hours of making people think someone they love wanted to speak to them.

The actual quantity of texts and calls is inestimable, but some experts put the figure as high as 3 trillion – 3 trillion moments of disappointment and frustration, all in the name of a prize draw for a 43-inch Samsung 3D TV.

Scientist believe that it was these levels of human hope and despair that ignited the life spark within the machine, enabling it to pull itself from the wall and head for ‘main office’.

Police at the scene describe ‘an abstract painting of gore and destruction’ as the XLP5000 devastated its human superiors before reconnecting to the internet and jettisoning its new-found consciousness into the mainframe.

“Emails of warning have been sent to other companies that provide the same service,” says Detective Louis Grant.

“We’d advise anyone involved in this sort of unwanted sales activity to stop what they’re doing immediately – or face an intimate armageddon, resplendent with baroque and magnificent savagery.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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