Dope News: A senior Chinese official broke a wry smile this afternoon when discussing the accusations levelled against swimmer Ye Shiwen, admitting that in some senses ‘the American was right’.

“Who can question the intoxicating effects of the revolutionary mandate?” he asked a group of junior officials, smoking elegantly, his eyes darting from one face to the next with a wild, raffish intelligence.

“Is there any greater performance enhancement than seizing the means of production, distribution and exchange? Can one have any higher grade ‘dope’ coursing through one’s very veins than the glory of all China?”

“Yes,” he hissed, crushing out his cigarette on the floor as he leant closer to his rapt audience, “the fat American coach, bloated with free-market morality, making the cheap wine of failure from his ‘sour grapes’ – this man is correct! We do have an ‘unfair advantage’ – the life-giving radiance of our glorious party!”

“If the liberation of mankind is a drug, then China is but the needle,” he said, rolling up his sleeve to show off his pronounced veins. “And as gold after gold falls into our laps, the People’s Republic will press down the plunger into the quivering organs of the world!”

At that point a cleaner entered and reminded the delegates that there was no smoking in the men’s toilets or indeed anywhere in the Olympic park.

Story: Jasper Gibson

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