Turd found floating in Olympic pool

Olympics Latest: In what has quickly become a symbol for the entire lead-up to the London games, a ‘Bombay trout’ was found in the Olympic pool today; the latest in a series of high-profile embarrassments for Lord Coe’s 2012 management team.

The turd, discovered this morning in the main swimming pool of the Olympic Park’s Aquatics Centre, was allowed to bob along in the waters for some time while staff disagreed over who’s responsibility it was to remove it.

“We’ve all here on short-term contracts,” said Lisa Thomas, 24, “and there’s no clause in there that covers me scooping out floaters.”

With the offending object finally removed, the focus of attention has since been on the culprit.

“It’s either a disgruntled staff member or a disgruntled member of the public who somehow got access,” said manager Geoff Burnside.

“One thing’s for sure; they’re disgruntled. No one’s been allowed to swim in here, so it’s not one of your kids having a Saturday morning accident in the local Lido. This was a planned, poolside squat-attack. We should be able to see who it was but we’re still waiting for G4S to install the security cameras.”

“Coe’s ordered the whole pool drained and refilled,” said one official who asked not to be named. “It’s a nightmare. I’d like to take the little shit in for questioning myself. As it is, it will only have to face DNA testing. Then we’ll know for sure who is responsible for this mess.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Q4Nobody