David Cameron asks army to fill in gaps in cabinet

Shortage News: The Prime Minister has asked the army to make up the shortfall in parliament, after most MP’s failed to turn up for work this afternoon.

“As soon as we realised the amount of MP’s who failed to come back to work after lunch, the government took immediate steps to rectify the situation,” said a statement from Downing Street.

Members of the armed forces will be brought in to sit on the benches in parliament and loudly bray and guffaw during Prime Minister’s questions. The government has blamed the shortfall of MP’s on ‘an unusually long queue at the heavily subsidised Commons bar’.

Cameron also confirmed that bonuses would be considered, ‘particularly for the military personnel who have had to come off leave to cover MP’s’. It’s also expected they will have to draw straws to see who has to appear on this week’s edition of Question Time.

“I hope it’s a member of the SAS,” said a Ministry of Defence spokesman. “Then they’ll have a golden opportunity to snap the neck of whichever prick from The Daily Mail is on the programme this week.”

Story: Simon Swatman