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Seasonal News: The government has announced bold new plans to abandon the traditional seasons in the UK, by axing summer and turning spring and autumn into a nine month ‘springtum’.

“For too long previous Labour governments have sought to get our hopes up by promising what they call a ‘summer’ season,” said Caroline Spelman, the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.

“In an effort to rebrand the weather and cut costs, we propose axing the idea of summer completely, and having ‘springtum’ take place from March until November.”

The plans – referred to in Westminster as ‘The Big Season’ are expected to be in place by next year – with Spelman hoping it will stop people making disparaging comments about the British weather, enabling people to ‘cut the weather chit-chat and get back to work’.

The UK Department for Business estimates that over 550 million hours of work are lost each year with people discussing how much of a let down the summer is this year. It’s hoped by getting rid of the concept of summer and merging spring and winter in to one long, drab, wet shitty season we can all get on with things.

Story: Simon Swatman


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