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Pasta News: Hot on the heels of the Higgs Boson discovery, scientists say that after years of research they have finally proved that judging exactly the right amount of pasta to cook is, indeed, impossible.

It’s either too much or too little,” says Professor Henry Klimpt from the Homewood Scientific Institute of Research and Analysis.

Generally, the more people you’re cooking for, the harder it gets, even though the toughest moment is undoubtedly when you’re cooking for yourself.”

We’ve studied literally thousands of monkeys cooking pasta. Not once did they get it right. In fact most of the time they put bowls on their heads, threw the pasta at each other then picked at their own private parts before sniffing their fingers and screeching.”

The Homewood Scientific Institute of Research and Analysis, which has previously made headlines with research that proved the rich live longer and eating cigarettes reduces the risk of lung cancer, heralded the findings as ‘an important scientific breakthrough’.

As we advance across the field of human knowledge, we find certain barriers which frustrate and bemuse us,” explains Professor Klimpt.

Is the impossibility of judging the right amount of pasta just an illusion? Are we subconsciously adjusting our appetites so as to always confound our assessments? Or is it the nature of pasta itself, that handful of strands or shapes which expands in boiling water, that makes accurate assessment impossible despite a lifetime of experience? We’ve answered none of these questions.”

What we have confirmed, however, is that it is, indeed, impossible and now that this impossibility is based on science, I think we can all agree our lives have become a little richer.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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