How many toes have you had in your mouth? I only ask because I recently had seven in mine, and if I’m being honest, I experienced a sexy version of the law of diminishing returns at the point the second foot started sliding in.

If you’ve got any experience with more than seven toes in your mouth, let me know how it went. I’m starting up a spreadsheet in Google Docs:

I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ve been having a bit of sports-themed sex with the joyless football commentator, Mark Lawrenson. I probably make it clear early on, that what I don’t know about football would fill a football stadium. But I can’t say that with any certainty, because I’ve no idea how big football stadia are, or what sport they’re used for. But I do know that pondering the infinite, low-hanging sadness of Mark Lawrenson’s face brought out a fathering instinct in me. A fathering instinct that, perhaps unusually, involved running over to him and donking him on the forehead with my bell-end.

A cruel observer would say that Lawrenson’s head resembles a dozen severed pig faces that have been used for some months as boiler lagging. But that’s not fair: Lawrenson’s jowl-laden visage rewards closer inspection by revealing deeper levels  of sub-jowls, each more dour and unimpressed by the mysteries of the universe than the last. Were an insect to get lost in this fractal labyrinth of recursive jowls, it would find itself in an infinite hall of mirrors, beset from every angle by images of its own futility.This is the face where Mark lives. And I’ll tell you this much: I’d have paid anywhere up to £30 to pull off a spunk on it.

So, I sweet-talked a BBC Desk Technician out of his uniform, and inveigled my way to the underneath of Lawrenson’s desk during last night’s match against . He seemed preoccupied with – yet entirely unimpressed by – the game that was going on, so I passed the time by pressing a 50 pence coin into his leg and making out with the imprint of Queen Elizabeth that lingered in the dough of his thigh meat. Above the lip of the desk, his mouth made a long sequence of plaintive, doom-laden honks, bereft of excitement and life. I tugged playfully at the loose skin around his knee-cap and expressed my excitement by pissing onto my stomach and spattering it around with my palms.

With a haunting melancholic hiss of lost opportunity, one of his shoes gasped its way off, and there it was: Mark Lawrenson’s left foot. The place on Mark Lawrenson’s body that is as far away as it is possible to get from his jowls – but even so, manages to look ponderously jowly. With crippling emotional distance, he hacked lumps out of my face with a jagged toenail. It was as though he was saying “I am the death of faith, of joy. I am the signpost at the end of human potential that says turn back, or die here, it matters not – there is nothing of value that can be achieved.”

I don’t know if you’ve ever made love to someone who embodies misery, but it is liberating – nothing you can do will disappoint or upset them. Even a series of aggressive bites to Lawrenson’s corner-shop carrier bag nutsac merely seemed to confirm his suspicion that life is pointlessly cruel, and any end to it would be an ointment.

And so it was that I found chewing furiously on Mark Lawrenson’s flaccid dick and balls, screaming “It’s OK to be depressed, God knows, it’s the only sensible position when you consider the shit that’s going on in the world. I mean, David Cameron, for fuck’s sake. There’s no reason to be happy. But you’re literally narrating a bunch of men having a consequence-free kickabout, and if you can’t draw some pleasure from the whimsical tower of well-paid bullshit that your life has become, then perhaps you need to zorb into a furnace and let someone who can put on the vaguest show of giving a tiny shit.” Of course, having a dick and nuts in my mouth, it just came out as “mmpgh”.

With the rumble of a huge rock being rolled over a cave entrance, Lawrenson turned his head to face me, and with the dry moan of an air raid siren, he released out a plume of pink smoke from his dick. And I swear to you, reader – that smoke tasted like like the most delicious strawberries I have ever tasted.

By Jon ‘Log’ Blyth

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