Gove News: Lib Dems, furious about Michael Gove’s leaked plans to scrap GCSE’s, countered with their own proposal this morning: a two-tier Michael Gove.

We’re fed up with a Michael Gove that is consistently failing our brightest children,” said party president Tim Farron.

Rather than the competitive dumbing-down of Michael Gove that we’ve seen in recent years, where excellence is sacrificed for political posturing, we would like to see a two-tier Michael Gove: one will be an utter twat, the other just a bit of a cunt.”

While Conservative cabinet ministers rushed to condemn the plan as ‘unworkable’ and ‘expensive’, the underlying principles were supported by everyone else in Britain.

I’ve been confused and let down by Michael Gove for a long time now,” said school pupil Peter Rote, 15. “Two clearly-defined Michael Goves would help me figure out which one of his faces was talking.”

Cameron, who spoke to reporters from inside his greenhouse where he was polishing a pile of specially aerodynamic stones, denied that the leak was in any way a distraction from his claims of moral superiority over Jimmy Carr.

A two-tier government is quite enough thank you,” he said, “and while it’s natural that there should be some give and take in any coalition, any more whining from little Cleggy and I’ll give him a wedgy he’ll never forget.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

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