Devious News: The Guinness World Record for looking shifty has been comprehensively broken by Chancellor George Osborne at a black-tie dinner event last night.

Officials from Guinness World Records were on hand with specially calibrated measuring equipment to confirm Osborne’s record breaking attempt, which received a hearty round of applause from other slightly-less-shifty-diners.

Previous record holder Peter Mandelson congratulated Osborne on setting the new world record.

“I know George has been working very hard on this for years,” smirked Mandelson. “For a long time he’s been looking evasive and untrustworthy, but I’m glad to see he’s finally pushed through and mastered looking incredibly shifty.”

Osbourne attributed his new record to years of hard work, determination and rubbing his hands together while slowly looking from left to right.

“He really is a shifty looking piece of work,” said a Guinness records spokesman. “The only way he could get any shiftier is if he loosened his tie while slowly licking his lips in a sinister fashion.”

Story: Simon Swatman

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