Afghan News: NATO countries meeting in Chicago yesterday have unanimously agreed to change the dictionary definition of the word ‘victory’ by 2014.
President Barack Obama said he was proud of what the alliance had achieved in Afghanistan, and if that meant slightly altering one old-fashioned word to ensure full compliance by 2014 then so be it.
“2014 was a very difficult date to arrange,” the President told NATO leaders. “God knows it’s hard enough arranging lunch with my wife sometimes, let alone get you fellas all in the room at the same time – and the Afghan withdrawal has been no different.”
“However, with the Prime Minister from the Netherlands agreeing to postpone his silver wedding anniversary, we managed to nail that date down. Now what we have to do is nail victory down.”
With the Taliban-infiltrated Afghan National Army, run by a corrupt government heavily involved in the global heroin trade, being left to fight a dedicated force of extremists determined to bring back the Stone Age, victory for Western Civilization was proving to be ‘a sticking point’.
“We looked at this thing from every angle,” said NATO chief analyst Hans Poole, “and what kept coming back was: there won’t be a victory.”
“That’s when my superiors made it quite clear I wasn’t being creative enough.”
Now, in all the languages spoken by NATO countries, the word ‘victory’ is to legally change from ‘a success or triumph’ to ‘the feeling of success or triumph’.
David Cameron said he ‘fully supported’ the move, and couldn’t wait to get home, dissolve the coalition and declare the Conservatives victorious at the last election.
“But let’s not forget what’s important here,” Obama continued. “Not just a victory for NATO but a victory for the Afghan people. Now we can have both – aaaaand that wraps it up just in time for lunch. Hands up for pizza!”
Story: Jasper Gibson