President Assad can’t believe he’s still in power

Dictator News: Syrian President Bashar al-Assad ‘simply cannot believe’ he’s still in power, and figured that by now he’d be swinging from a noose slung over a lamppost in Damascus.

“Every morning when I wake up and realise that I’m not in a cell waiting to stand trial for crimes against humanity, I have to pinch myself,” said Assad. “It’s crazy, right? Exactly how many people do I have to kill?”

Assad also says that unexpectedly staying in power has its down sides. “To be honest I’m getting a bit bored of it all. There’s only so much torture and executions you can order and sham elections you can organise before it all gets a bit ‘been there, done that, bought the t-shirt’.”

Reports suggest Assad has become depressed in recent months, rarely leaving the Presidential Palace, ‘not really putting his heart’ into crushing uprisings and spending most of his time sitting in a dark room watching Murder, She Wrote on ITV3.

Story: Simon Swatman