Swipe left/right

Dictator News: Syrian President Bashar al-Assad ‘simply cannot believe’ he’s still in power, and figured that by now he’d be swinging from a noose slung over a lamppost in Damascus.

“Every morning when I wake up and realise that I’m not in a cell waiting to stand trial for crimes against humanity, I have to pinch myself,” said Assad. “It’s crazy, right? Exactly how many people do I have to kill?”

Assad also says that unexpectedly staying in power has its down sides. “To be honest I’m getting a bit bored of it all. There’s only so much torture and executions you can order and sham elections you can organise before it all gets a bit ‘been there, done that, bought the t-shirt’.”

Reports suggest Assad has become depressed in recent months, rarely leaving the Presidential Palace, ‘not really putting his heart’ into crushing uprisings and spending most of his time sitting in a dark room watching Murder, She Wrote on ITV3.

Story: Simon Swatman

 

Trending Now

  1. Exclusive
    10 terrible sexts you could learn some valuable lessons from
  2. Pics
    The ANGRIEST listing for building materials ever posted
  3. Pics
    77 Signs and Notices That Deserve A Wider Audience
  4. Videos
    The sweariest bit of furniture moving you’ll see today
  5. Pics
    Husband gives his wife the ‘generic’ birthday party she asked for
« Swipe navigation »