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Boris News: Boris Johnson has vowed to throw all of London’s hire cycles – dubbed ‘Boris bikes’ – in the canal if he isn’t re-elected as Mayor today.

“Vote for me or I’ll show you ungrateful buggers who gets the last laugh,” said Johnson at a press conference this morning.

“Every single one of those big blue bastards will end up in the canal if I don’t get voted back in. Livingstone can spend his free time fishing them out of the condom-strewn water for all I care.”

Johnson has also detailed other ‘legacy items’ he plans to leave behind if he loses the Mayoral role. “I’ll certainly take a shit in one of the drawers of the Mayor’s desk. Then lock the draw and hide the key somewhere in City Hall. Deal with that, you commie prick.”

Other plans Johnson has threatened Londoners will ‘inherit’ include signing a deal to dispose of medical waste in tube carriages, and permanently installing a gigantic nude statue of himself with an erection on Trafalgar Square’s fourth plinth.

Story: Simon Swatman


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