Swipe left/right

Your Mum News: Puerile climate change experts have claimed that some glaciers in Asia are actually getting fatter, the same way your Mum is.

The report says that some glaciers on Asia’s Karakoram mountains are defying the global trend and, like your Mum’s thighs, are getting thicker year on year.

“Just like your Mum, the Karakoram mountains are so big when you get to the top your ears pop,” sniggered Dr Steven Phipes, spokesman for the Climatic Research Unit.

“Our research also indicates that the glaciers, and your Mum, are now so fat if you swerved to avoid them, your car would run out of petrol.”

Researchers are unsure as to why the glaciers/your mum are getting so fat, but one thing they say is for certain – that your Mum is so stupid she once returned some doughnuts to the shop because they had holes in them.

“Further investigation will need further funding,” said Dr. Phipes. “Just like your Mum, who is so poor the building society repossessed her cardboard box.”

Story: Simon Swatman

 

Tennis grandee Judy Murray is waging war on excess Pimm's mint! #sponsored

Trending Now

  1. Pics
    This receipt has gone viral because someone’s girlfriend thought it was evidence of cheating
  2. Pics
    People are saying this is the worst LGBT shirt they’ve ever seen
  3. Pics
    The problem of being a Dutchman in China
  4. Pics
    This letter complaining about the Great British Bake Off to the Metro is both sublime and ridiculous
  5. Popular
    If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world
« Swipe navigation »