Protestors hit Mount Rushmore

Rushmore News:  “If these people want to make a point about us all eating too many burgers, this is not the way to do it,” said Sheriff Tom Whitely of Keystone, South Dakota, as cleaners set about the mammoth task of removing graffiti from what commentators have now dubbed ‘Mount Eatmore’: Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln transformed into Ronald McDonald, Colonel Saunders and The Burger King.

The ‘art attack’ by anti-obesity protestors 2FAT2FUCK has left tourists and officals stunned, and while the relatively unknown group were quick to claim responsibility, the authorities were just as quick to pass judgement.

“These people will be caught and sent to prison,” said President Obama. “While America believes in freedom of expression, it does not believe in vandalising historic monuments. Besides, if anyone is going to be Colonel Saunders, it has to be Lincoln, right? And where’s the Hamburglar? They haven’t even thought this through properly.”

Others were less reserved.

“It’s like taking a fiery shit on the American flag,” says Park Ranger Ted Turle.

“They want to say something about burgers being full of crap and making everyone fat and giving kids diabetes – fine.”

“But do it in one of them faggot magazines, or one of them ‘hey, look at me, I’m a faggot’ websites.”

“The minute they fuck up George Washington’s face like that, I’m like, ‘Ted, you just got a licence to hunt these motherfuckers down, tie them to a table, chop their arms and legs off with an axe and then let your German Shepherd eat what’s left’. But that’s just me. I’m a patriot.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Q4Nobody