Swipe left/right

Economy News: Chancellor George Osborne ‎has announced plans to contract the disease rickets, in a last-ditch bid to connect with the British working classes.

Rickets – a softening of the bones often caused by severe malnutrition – leads to skeletal deformities, muscle weakness and dental problems – all of which Osbsorne says are ‘vital to understand the working classes’.

“It’s what they all have, isn’t it?” said Osborne at a press conference this morning. “I imagine it’s from living on a diet of pasties and cheap lager. But if it means we can get the economy moving again and I can restore the faith of the electorate then so be it.”

Osborne has also announced plans to wear a string vest, get a tattoo and install a burnt-out car directly outside his family home in London’s Notting Hill.

“It’ll be like that programme on the television, Shameless,” said Osborne. “I haven’t seen it myself, but I got one of my Filipino maids to describe it to me. What are those poor people like!”

Story: Simon Swatman

Breaking News: Terminated! Epic Schwarzenegger takedown is funny, brilliant and true

 

Trending Now

  1. Pics
    Woman rejects man on Tinder, gets furious when he rejects her too
  2. Pics
    34 times “Grumpy Skeletor” was the funniest Twitter account in the world
  3. Pics
    Trump wants this photo of his dodgy tan removed from the internet. Please do not share.
  4. News
    James Blunt’s new album is out today, so here’s 50 times he won at Twitter
  5. Pics
    This Darwin Award entry made so much funnier with a Michael Jackson soundtrack
« Swipe navigation »