Swipe left/right

Economy News: Chancellor George Osborne ‎has announced plans to contract the disease rickets, in a last-ditch bid to connect with the British working classes.

Rickets – a softening of the bones often caused by severe malnutrition – leads to skeletal deformities, muscle weakness and dental problems – all of which Osbsorne says are ‘vital to understand the working classes’.

“It’s what they all have, isn’t it?” said Osborne at a press conference this morning. “I imagine it’s from living on a diet of pasties and cheap lager. But if it means we can get the economy moving again and I can restore the faith of the electorate then so be it.”

Osborne has also announced plans to wear a string vest, get a tattoo and install a burnt-out car directly outside his family home in London’s Notting Hill.

“It’ll be like that programme on the television, Shameless,” said Osborne. “I haven’t seen it myself, but I got one of my Filipino maids to describe it to me. What are those poor people like!”

Story: Simon Swatman

 

Tennis grandee Judy Murray is waging war on excess Pimm's mint! #sponsored

Trending Now

  1. Exclusive
    Dare you sneak a peek at these 12 CURSED IMAGES?
  2. Exclusive
    19 “shit jokes” that are so shit that you might just laugh despite your better judgement
  3. Pics
    This woman’s name and job title is combining to make something pretty amusing…
  4. Pics
    Can you spot the problem with this art assignment for 11 to 13-year-olds?
  5. Pics
    30 sick and funny image drawn in Microsoft Paint based on lunatic requests from British people
« Swipe navigation »