Alex Ferguson to sacrifice child for Sport Relief

Sports News: Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson will sacrifice a child for Sport Relief, in a bid to appease the Old Gods and usher in a new age of sporting victory for the country.

Ferguson will slay the chosen child on a specially prepared altar, with the ceremony broadcast live on BBC One tonight, forming the finale of the 2012 Sport Relief charity event.

“I hope the sacrifice will satisfy the Ancient Ones and help the UK take its rightful place in the sporting world,“ said Ferguson.

“With the Olympics just round the corner we cannot afford to miss any opportunity – and if it also means a chance to awaken ancient, powerful deities from space who once ruled the Earth and who have since fallen into a death-like sleep, then so be it.”

Ferguson will take the role of The High Priest of the Great Old Ones, while Freddie Flintoff and Question of Sport’s Sue Barker will brandish the ceremonial dagger and chalice.

Story+Image: Simon Swatman