Top Man to stock Cowell’s ‘man-bra’

Fashion News: High street fashion retailers Top Man are to capitalise on the success of their ‘Working Class Hero’ range – despite all the vomit that has appeared on their store windows – by stocking Simon Cowell’s first foray into fashion: the Pex-Factor Man-Bra.

“The clown trousers are staying and so are my tits,” said the X Factor despot this week in response to continued criticism over his personal style. Now almost permanently on a Caribbean yacht, Cowell says he loves to get his bloke knockers out in ‘direct competition’ to the the more traditional boobs hanging off members of his harem, and, like them, when he’s down the gym or at the disco he needs some support.

“It’s all about confidence,” Cowell told a press conference this morning. “It’s like this big thing we are not allowed to talk about and, as a result, people suffer. Well, not only am I talking about it, I’m doing something about it. I applaud Top Man for being brave enough to help me break society’s last taboo. OK, maybe not the very last – there’s consensual sex between dementia sufferers for example, but that’s not really my field.”

“This is going to be a massive success,” says style journalist Cruella Mountford-Gin. “Cowell’s a reverse innovator: he spruces up old ideas and makes a fortune. Let’s face it, this isn’t the first time he’s got into the business of making tits behave they he wants.”

“Men have boobs. Period. I mean they don’t have periods – not yet, anyway – but they do have boobs. Oestrogen in the water supply, apparently. Point is: you’re a man. You need support. Can’t play football anymore because your funbags are on a looped Mexican wave? Every time you make love to your wife it’s like a boxing match down there? What are you going to do about it? Bra up, bitch.”

Story: Matt Court+Jasper Gibson

Image: Q4Nobody