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Government think tank designs ‘the perfect British film’

Film News: Prime Minister David Cameron has welcomed today’s report from think tank British Investment in Film and Television Awareness (BIFTA) that, after a period of thorough examination of the profitability and popularity of British film-making over the past twenty years, they were ready to go public with a pitch that they believe ‘maximises consumer interest in existing commercially successful narrative, and fulfills all the criteria for British box office success.’

The film, DANNY, tells the story of an orphan who runs away from a 1970s children’s home in Leeds for a life of heroin abuse and burglary, but soon discovers he has the power to heal. Together with his ragtag group of friends, he must find and rescue a powerful duke with Tourette’s syndrome from a group of dangerous Republican paramilitaries hiding in Shropshire.

Before he can do this, he has to learn the complete falsetto repertoire to raise enough money to pay off his dealers and get together the muscle for the job – then he has 24 hours to return the duke to his family, so they can petition the government to release Danny’s girlfriend’s dad Reg from prison for the accidental death of a swan, so he and his friends – all made redundant by the closure of their shipyard – can make it to the Manchester Free Trade Hall in time to perform a risqué strip show to the music of the Bee Gees. But time is running out, and Liam Neeson has vowed to hunt down and kill them all.

“We are, understandably, very excited about this project,” chairman of BIFTA Sir Julian Algorithm told assembled reporters. “We have a committee of the best writers, available at the best rates, working on the script.”

It’s believed that up to £20 million of funding retrieved from disability benefit overpayments will be ringfenced for the film, with conservative estimates suggesting that it could garner anything between £18 and £22 million at the box office. Rumours circulate that directorial duties have been offered to Ken Loach, Mike Leigh, Shane Meadows, Andrea Arnold, Noel Clarke, Paddy Considine, Armando Iannucci, Richard Ayoade, Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish and H from Steps, but no-one has made any official statement expressing their interest.

Less mystery, however, surrounds the cast. Already confirmed are Helena Bonham Carter who will play Marsha, the fierce and patrician but ultimately sympathetic singing teacher; Sean Pertwee, who will play the part of Reg, and Ricky Gervais who, in a marked change of direction, will play a nasty self-regarding little man. Danny’s girlfriend will be played by the daughter of a friend of Dame Helen Mirren.

When the script is finalised by Select Committee, filming could begin as soon as 2014, though there remains stiff opposition from the Labour shadow cabinet. “This is a disgusting waste of taxpayers’ money at the most inappropriate time,” Labour leader Ed Miliband told Andrew Marr.

“Once again the Tories have shown their obliviousness to public opinion by parading this badly thought-out project when what people across the country time and time again are campaigning for now, is a reasonable standard of living for those most in need of support, a cohesive and more locally accountable health service, and a half-decent remake of Krull.”

 

Story+Image: Chris Miller