Captain News: An investigation has found that the captain of the Costa Concordia, which crashed into rocks off the Italian coast and capsized, has been conforming nicely to lazy stereotypes of Italians.
“Lots of British people have the preconception that all Italians are workshy lotharios who sleep on the job, and we applaud Captain Francesco Schettino for meeting these stereotypes,” said chief investigator Insalata Caprese.
“We congratulate him on being distracted by a beautiful woman when the ship crashed, and that terrific story about him ‘falling into a lifeboat’ and escaping before everyone else. Bravo maestro! Bravo!”
The only criticisms the investigation found was that the captain didn’t have a moustache and seems to have no direct connection with the Mafia.
“Everything my ignorance knows about Italian men has been proven right,” said Stuart Lunk, 38, from Plymouth. “He couldn’t have done a better job at confirming my xenophobia unless he was riding up and down the ship on a Vespa, with a fixation about his mother and an espresso.”
Story+Image: Simon Swatman