Osborne unveils topless pound coin

Autumn Statement: Chancellor George Osborne stunned the House of Commons today when he unveiled a new topless pound coin during his autumn statement.

As figures from the Office of Budget Responsibility point to austerity measures that will stretch well into the next parliament, Osborne’s speech was widely expected to be full of grim determination. Instead, his tone was upbeat – and never more so than when he unveiled a shocking new design for the British pound.

“We have worked hard to gain fiscal credibility,” said the Chancellor, “but austerity does not create growth. While this government believes that, frankly, borrowing to create jobs is stupid, for a dynamic government there are other, more innovative ways we can stimulate the economy.”

“We can make money sexy again.”

At this Osborne produced the topless pound coin, provoking gasps from the Commons on both sides, followed by an eerie silence. Several MPs woke up.

Osborne then continued his speech, grinning from ear to ear, as he brandished the new coin.

“Mr. Speaker, we’ve all had enough of bad figures – isn’t it time for a good figure? Isn’t it time to take British business from bust to busty? If every time Britain puts its hand in its pocket, it comes out with one of these, the stimulating effect on the whole of society can hardly be in doubt.”

“This coin, Mr. Speaker, is what this government is about: bold choices. While Italy, Greece and Spain flounder about in dangerous economic waters, we will be brave, we will be daring.”

“David and I want the British people to know that while the Eurozone may be sinking, we are your steady hands, navigating our country through the debt storm. Leadership in tough times, that’s what we offer. We have the energy, the bounce, to bring prosperity back to Britain. This new coin is our symbol – a great big pair of tits leading the economy forward.”

Story:  Jasper Gibson

Image: Zissou Limpkin