Attenborough will voiceover shows ‘even after death’

TV News: The BBC are set to secure viewing figures for natural history documentaries long into the future – by recording David Attenborough reading out every word in the English language.

“If anyone else talks over the top of a lion mauling a sausage dog, people just switch off,” shrugged Peter Hughston of the BBC’s factual department in Bristol.

“Sir David’s reassuring and stoic tones seem to makes death itself a whimsical inconvenience. That’s why we’re going to keep a record of him saying every word that’s ever existed so we can cut and piece together the scripts for years to come. Even words like sack, ringpiece and bellend”.

“We need to cover every eventuality. The blue whale does have the biggest bellend.”

Technical costs for the Recent Frozen Planet series nearly crippled an already beleaguered BBC with Sir David having to be transported to the Arctic in an iron lung device that recreated the exact atmospheric conditions of Surrey.

However, the ‘Attenborough Atalogue’, as it has come to be known, is set to provide extra revenue with sat nav companies such as Tom Tom already hoping to buy into the project.

“I can’t think of a more uplifting accompaniment for a bank holiday date at Knowsley Safari park than a wonkily intoned Sir David,” gushed marketing manager Philip Valentino. “Who else is going to keep you calm and interested when a pair of bonobo chimps are ripping the windscreen wipers off your Audi?”

Story: Dave Anderson