Paramilitary Round-up: An ex- IRA terrorist is taking his former organisation to court after the traditional balaclava he was assigned and wore for twenty-two years left him with permanent sun-damage.
“I’m aware Belfast tends to be more drizzle than sizzle,” admitted Darragh ‘Nailbomb’ Boyle, 47, “but before, the only cancer I could see was the British occupation of the six counties. Now I’ve got carcinomas in my eyelids so big I look like Michael Gambon with a hangover.”
A little cancer wasn’t the only consequence however. Boyle was arrested last year at Heathrow while returning from a training programme in the Pakistan that promised ‘sun, sea and armed insurrection’.
“After a week sunning himself he stood out like a shaved panda” Detective Sergeant Mike Prosser observed. “We were surprised actually. Terrorists these days don’t normally take return flights.”
Sgt. Prosser admitted that this time Boyle made the War On Terror ‘look easy’: “Looking the way he did you could tell there was more in his suitcase than 5000 Lucky Strikes and a load of Ben Sherman shirts with sick all down them. Then again, we only managed to get Martin McGuinness once he took his clown make-up off.”
Boyle was later released after successful talks between the British Government and Piz Buin, but Boyle is still determined to seek proper compensation from the IRA:“If anything just to pay for the cosmetic surgery. I don’t want to look like that Pete Burns though. I’m used to blowing up shopping centres, not my face!” he chuckled.
Story: Dan Beale
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