Sports News: Manchester City Council announced its plans to stage an alternative Olympics today – for athletes who unashamedly dope themselves up to the eyeballs with performance-enhancing drugs.
“Well, it’ll be more exciting for one thing,” said Councillor Jenny Rutter, defending the event which is to be staged at exactly the same time as the ‘geeks’ Olympics in 2012.
“What do you think of when you think of London?” Rutter continued. “People who think they can lose weight by wanking into a salad.”
“What do you thin of when you think of Manchester? People who eat cigarettes and buy drugs off their own kids.”
“I think it’s only right that this is the city that celebrates all that modern chemistry and athletics has to offer – really giving the public what they want to see: bulging-eyed muscle freaks running faster than the speed of sound.”
“Let’s be honest – doping is unfair only if it is done in secret. If everyone’s at it, what’s the problem?”
Story: Jasper Gibson