Sports News: Manchester City Council announced its plans to stage an alternative Olympics today â€“ for athletes who unashamedly dope themselves up to the eyeballs with performance-enhancing drugs.
â€śWell, it’ll be more exciting for one thing,â€ť said Councillor Jenny Rutter, defending the event which is to be staged at exactly the same time as the ‘geeks’ Olympics in 2012.
â€śWhat do you think of when you think of London?â€ť Rutter continued. â€śPeople who think they can lose weight by wanking into a salad.â€ť
“What do you thin of when you think of Manchester? People who eat cigarettes and buy drugs off their own kids.â€ť
â€śI think it’s only right that this is the city that celebrates all that modern chemistry and athletics has to offer â€“ really giving the public what they want to see: bulging-eyed muscle freaks running faster than the speed of sound.â€ť
â€śLet’s be honest â€“ doping is unfair only if it is done in secret. If everyone’s at it, what’s the problem?â€ť
Story: Jasper Gibson