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Sports News: Manchester City Council announced its plans to stage an alternative Olympics today – for athletes who unashamedly dope themselves up to the eyeballs with performance-enhancing drugs.

Manchester to stage alternative 2012 Olympics 'for athletes who love drugs'

β€œWell, it’ll be more exciting for one thing,” said Councillor Jenny Rutter, defending the event which is to be staged at exactly the same time as the ‘geeks’ Olympics in 2012.

β€œWhat do you think of when you think of London?” Rutter continued. β€œPeople who think they can lose weight by wanking into a salad.”

What do you thin of when you think of Manchester? People who eat cigarettes and buy drugs off their own kids.”

β€œI think it’s only right that this is the city that celebrates all that modern chemistry and athletics has to offer – really giving the public what they want to see: bulging-eyed muscle freaks running faster than the speed of sound.”

β€œLet’s be honest – doping is unfair only if it is done in secret. If everyone’s at it, what’s the problem?”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Q4Nobody

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