Queen learns haka

Sports News: The Queen has been learning the haka, the Maori war dance, in preparation for the Ruby World Cup in New Zealand.

It is understood that Her Majesty approached the New Zealand government for training in the traditional dance ‘to build bridges between our two countries’ and to help ‘draw the world’s attention’ to the rich cultural heritage of the host nation during this important sporting event.

Sources close to the royal family, however, point to an alternative motive, something the palace has been quick to deny.

“The Queen is a big rugby fan,” said one insider, “but it’s only since Mike Tindall married Princess Zara that she’s really been on intimate terms with the national team.”

“She was seen huddling together with Tindall during the wedding, moving the salt and pepper about, evidently discussing tactics.”

“England has always been wary of the psychological impact of the haka, and it’s quite clear that Tindall and Her Majesty have stuck a deal: if we have to face the All Blacks in the later stages of the competition, once they have completed their haka, the Queen is going to run onto the pitch and do hers.”

“There is no way any team is coming back from that. Once you’ve seen Queen Elisabeth II sticking her tongue out, slapping herself, shaking her hands and screaming, you won’t want to play rugby – you’ll want to sit down and have a large scotch.”