Sports News: Amid accusations of performance-enhancing body modifications, Scottish tennis ace Andy Murray said at a press conference today that the new detachable jaw he displayed several times during his straight-sets defeat of Feliciano Lopez at the US Open on Sunday, was “every bit as legitimate as Serena Williams’ new testicles”.
“Not only does it allow me to roar a victory with greater force, but I can more easily maintain my strict regimen of swallowing live spaniel puppies exported from China.”
“Snakes do it all the time,” Murray’s physio Doctor Gefunkenlicht told the press.
“There is nothing in the International Tennis Federation rules that prevent Andy undergoing this mandible-augmentation procedure in order to improve protein metabolism when ingesting baby spaniels.”
While animal rights campaigners were keen to pour scorn on the eating of live dogs as ‘inhumane, unnatural and quite tricky’, sports commentators complained of the ‘unfair advantage’ the inevitable growth surge would give Murray in future tournaments.
“Give me a break,” Dr Gefunkenlicht responded, “it’s not like he’s going to suddenly win Wimbledon or anything.”