Assad tells America: ‘Shut your face or I will reveal Coca-Cola’s secret formula’

Syrian Unrest: An embattled Assad of Syria said today that he was ‘sick to the back teeth’ of the West’s interference in Syrian national affairs, and if America didn’t stop calling for him to stand down, he was ready to play his ace card – revealing Coca-Cola’s Secret Formula.

“There has been own-brand cola across the region for some time now, but the idea that terrorists could get their hands on ‘the real thing’ would be certainly be a development of sorts,” said James Curly-Huntsman, head of Quorn, an influential thinktank on Middle Eastern affairs.

“At the core of every faith there is a mystery,” Assad raged on state television this morning.

“If that mystery is revealed then faith in the system collapses. If everyone knows how to make their own Coca-Cola then western civilisation will crumble like an old biscuit.”

“America, this if your final warning. Stop calling me names, like ‘murderer’ and ‘pinhead’. Stop telling me what to do. You get to kill people all the time. Stop being so selfish!”