Sonic’s gold coin fortune soars despite recession

Financial News: While the global economy endures its worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, Sonic the Hedgehog continues to amass gold at an alarming rate while world governments watch in awe.

Citigroup analyst Brian Taylor says stock forecasters are astounded by Sonic’s two-decade anticipation of the soaring value of gold in recent months.

“Gold is always a safe-haven in an economic squeeze, but Sonic has seen his assets go sky high. In investment terms, Sonic the Hedgehog is a thousand Japanese Warren Buffetts with blue Mohawks looping the loop at Mach 2 in a bonus-level rotating maze with triple Sonic Boost Power Surge.”

Little is known about the world’s richest billionaire other than his incredible speed and his enviable wealth.

Sonic was born Sonikku za Hejjihoggu in a poor suburb of Tokyo in 1988. He rose to prominence in the 1990s when Sega recognised him as the world’s fastest hedgehog.

Hurtling faster than the speed of sound, Sonic stunned observers with his ability to collect gold coins and to propel himself forward while curled into a defensive ball, a manoeuvre known as the Sonic Spin Attack.

Dismissed by critics for his inability to swim, Sonic silenced naysayers by skimming across the surface of water. Later it emerged that by collecting gold rings Sonic could transform into Super Sonic and fly. Thus his reputation as the world’s most flamboyant gold magnate was born.

Continuing to store up gold reserves, Sonic strategically broadened his corporate portfolio in late 2001 by purchasing the Mario Brothers plumbing empire when it faced crippling litigation from a giant barrel-throwing gorilla.