Man 3 days in toilet: ‘he just couldn’t get his bum clean’

UK News: A West Yorkshire man refused to leave the toilet of an Esso garage for three days because, try as he might, he could not get his backside completely clean.

“I wiped and I wiped,” confessed Gavin Hawke, 36, on finally leaving the cubicle late last night, “but there was just no end to it. There was a big pile of bog paper in there and I thought ‘there’s no way I’m leaving until the job’s done.”

After a night of heaving drinking and eating, Hawke stopped at the garage on the way home from friend Bill Pepper’s house the following morning.

“That’s Gav all over,” said Pepper, “stubborn as a foreskin in a zip.”

“If it’d needed a week, he would’ve been in there a week. Who knows how long these things are going to take? Sometimes it’s barely one wipe before shuffle ‘n’ shake – it’s trouser time.”

“But his bum was up for a marathon and Gav was committed to going the distance – however long that old anus of his wanted to run for. That’s the thing about arseholes: there’s no talking to them.”