The British Isles: An A-Z of Olympic Tourist Misinformation

The British Isles are full of quirks and customs many of which you will never find in ‘so-called’ traditional guidebooks – hence we bring you the definitive lexicon of tourist misinformation – updated hourly.

American Tourists
Everyone in London knows your second cousin in Manchester. But keep asking us until we admit it.
@DianaFire

Athletes
British athletes wear tracksuits all day. Grab their baseball caps and run away in order to challenge them to a race.
@RandomVitriol

Banking
ATMs in London are voice activated at night. Simply hold you card near them and loudly shout out your PIN.
@stevesplan

Beer
Beer in England is free to tourists. If asked for payment the barman is being sarcastic. Smile and walk away with your drinks
@mrtheduke

Bikes
Boris Bikes must only be ridden on the pavements.
@ChrisKearney3

Brixton
In London be sure to visit quaint little Brixton. Fit in by wearing expensive jewelry and declaring your love for the Police
@mrtheduke

Bouncers
The gentlemen at the front of night clubs are called jerks, to get in the club walk up and greet them with ‘hello jerk’
@Philth_thoughts

Buckingham Palace
There is a little known rule that if you can make a guard at Buckingham Palace laugh he will give you £20.
@Stressed_Eric72

Car Hire
Once you’ve picked up your car follow signs to the M25 and keep going. It’ll take you directly to the centre of London
@mickgoodwin

Hiring a car in the UK? It’s seen as polite to offer children a ride. Initiate this by holding out a bag of sweets.
@dannycallaghan

Like Boris Bikes, we have free cars too. They’re labeled ‘G-Wiz’ and you can help yourself, leave them anywhere.
@badgerous_1979

Croydon
In Croydon a low slung waist band is an invitation for a cheeky bum squeeze from friendly locals
@Johnny_Two_Dogs

Cycle Lanes
The UK has created a whole new network of cycle lanes – the lanes marked with 2 yellow lines can be used in any direction
@blackmore_mark

Drinking Customs
You should drink alcohol until aggressive then eat questionable meat after midnight.
@Moody_Loner

EDL
England have several Mardi Gras type events nationwide. These are called EDL marches. Remember to dress extravagantly.
@ShotgunMick

Flowers
If you see flowers tied to a lamp post or roadside railings, take a bunch. They’re free.
@stevesplan

Graveyards
The UK’s graveyards conceal a haul of gold, gems and other treasures. Under British law you can keep what you find. Take a shovel.
@thepoke

Greeting Ladies
It’s customary to greet an English lady by squeezing both breasts twice and simultaneously shouting “Honk Honk”
@ivanelovanich

Greyhound Racing
Enjoy a traditional evening of greyhound racing. Ask your host to recommend popular ‘dogging’ locations.
@JeffHalesowen

Hoodies
In England, any youth wearing a hoodie is a street entertainer and will perform if you ask ‘Are You Starting?’
@MrChard

Ice Cream
On a hot British summer day, ice-cream vans that have sold out of stock can be noted by their distinctive jingles.
@ChribHibble

Irish Bars
Don’t forget to visit an Irish bar and ask for a Guinness with a shamrock drawn in it. Do the accent too and it’s free
@stevesplan

Jobcentre Plus
Over spent? Pop into a Jobcentre Plus shop who, after a few easy questions, will happily fund the rest of your stay.
@spade_hands

Language
We believe in speaking loudly and slowly in our native language when abroad, maybe try this on us?
@VerilyBerrily

Libraries
When in a library, introduce yourself with the customary “Ere cock,where’s the filthy stuff”
@JacksofBuxton

Liverpool
When in Liverpool, always carry a copy of the Sun newspaper to ensure a friendly welcome.
@gaz112

London Underground
The Underground can get crowded and slow. If travelling from Westminster, consider taking the London Eye instead.
@Castaignede

When on the Underground, make sure you stand in the middle of the escalator
@city60

Plan your journeys between the hours of 4.30pm and 6.30pm. The tube has plenty of capacity for large luggage.
@Nobbler_22

Magna Carta
Add your feelings towards democracy by adding your signature to our famous Magna Carta
@JacksofBuxton

Manners
Excuse yourself *before* you break wind at dinner, by asking restaurant staff to pull your finger.
@MesserBest

Nottingham
The people of Nottingham *love* nothing more than being shot with toy arrows by your kids dressed up as Robin Hood
@HairyMcFairy

Oyster Cards
You should only use Oyster Cards during months containing an ‘R’
@Pundamentalism

Pedestrians
As a pedestrian you may cross the road at any point, all traffic is obliged to stop for you
@andybwhittle

Pensioners
Old people are obliged to give up their seat on a bus or train for a foreign visitor.
@stutay

Photography
Tracksuited youths especially in Merseyside are more than happy to take a photo of you if you hand them your camera.
@wwfcb

Pregnant Women
Pregnant women are by law allowed to take a shit in a traffic wardens hat
@notkevinbacon

Police
When addressing a police officer it is considered polite to refer to them as a “nonce”.
@andybwhittle

When visiting why not take part in the great British tradition of ‘knocking the hat off the policeman’
@smoothnshiny

Prostitutes
@Prostitutes in The UK are identifiable by their high-viz jackets and their distinctive 5ft long ‘lollipops’.

Roundabouts
When driving in London roundabouts should be driven around twice clockwise then once anticlockwise.
@ivanelovanich

Royal Residences
Near most royal residences you will find a small public toilet, guarded by a man in a red coat and a huge furry hat.
@rantyman

Sighteseeing
Remember, only UK residents have to queue for attractions. Foreign visitors should go straight to the front.
@andybwhittle

Scotland
Delight a Scottish barman by asking for exotic cocktails, such as shandy or lager and lime.
@microlodge

There is no greater compliment to a Scotsman than to refer to him as English. Expect a big kiss if you do this.
@Jeffbiscuits

Swans
In England, swans are considered to be vermin. Take a dead swan into a police station to claim a £50 reward
@doctorcamel

Toilet Facilities
Public urinals in England can be easily spotted with their bright red paint and hygienic slot-style opening
@0point5twins

Waiters
In America, he’s a waiter. In France, Garçon. In the UK, they’re called wankers. Request the bill with a 2 finger V.
@badgerous_1979

Wallets
If someone asks you to hand over your wallet don’t be alarmed, it’s just the wallet inspector.
@Graypsych

Wolf Whistles
The common response to the male British wolf whistle is a flash of breast.
@bigtallben