The British Isles are full of quirks and customs many of which you will never find in ‘so-called’ traditional guidebooks – hence we bring you the definitive lexicon of tourist misinformation – updated hourly.

American Tourists
Everyone in London knows your second cousin in Manchester. But keep asking us until we admit it.
@DianaFire

Athletes
British athletes wear tracksuits all day. Grab their baseball caps and run away in order to challenge them to a race.
@RandomVitriol

Banking
ATMs in London are voice activated at night. Simply hold you card near them and loudly shout out your PIN.
@stevesplan

Beer
Beer in England is free to tourists. If asked for payment the barman is being sarcastic. Smile and walk away with your drinks
@mrtheduke

Bikes
Boris Bikes must only be ridden on the pavements.
@ChrisKearney3

Brixton
In London be sure to visit quaint little Brixton. Fit in by wearing expensive jewelry and declaring your love for the Police
@mrtheduke

Bouncers
The gentlemen at the front of night clubs are called jerks, to get in the club walk up and greet them with ‘hello jerk’
@Philth_thoughts

Buckingham Palace
There is a little known rule that if you can make a guard at Buckingham Palace laugh he will give you £20.
@Stressed_Eric72

Car Hire
Once you’ve picked up your car follow signs to the M25 and keep going. It’ll take you directly to the centre of London
@mickgoodwin

Hiring a car in the UK? It’s seen as polite to offer children a ride. Initiate this by holding out a bag of sweets.
@dannycallaghan

Like Boris Bikes, we have free cars too. They’re labeled ‘G-Wiz’ and you can help yourself, leave them anywhere.
@badgerous_1979

Croydon
In Croydon a low slung waist band is an invitation for a cheeky bum squeeze from friendly locals
@Johnny_Two_Dogs

Cycle Lanes
The UK has created a whole new network of cycle lanes – the lanes marked with 2 yellow lines can be used in any direction
@blackmore_mark

Drinking Customs
You should drink alcohol until aggressive then eat questionable meat after midnight.
@Moody_Loner

EDL
England have several Mardi Gras type events nationwide. These are called EDL marches. Remember to dress extravagantly.
@ShotgunMick

Flowers
If you see flowers tied to a lamp post or roadside railings, take a bunch. They’re free.
@stevesplan

Graveyards
The UK’s graveyards conceal a haul of gold, gems and other treasures. Under British law you can keep what you find. Take a shovel.
@thepoke

Greeting Ladies
It’s customary to greet an English lady by squeezing both breasts twice and simultaneously shouting “Honk Honk”
@ivanelovanich

Greyhound Racing
Enjoy a traditional evening of greyhound racing. Ask your host to recommend popular ‘dogging’ locations.
@JeffHalesowen

Hoodies
In England, any youth wearing a hoodie is a street entertainer and will perform if you ask ‘Are You Starting?’
@MrChard

Ice Cream
On a hot British summer day, ice-cream vans that have sold out of stock can be noted by their distinctive jingles.
@ChribHibble

Irish Bars
Don’t forget to visit an Irish bar and ask for a Guinness with a shamrock drawn in it. Do the accent too and it’s free
@stevesplan

Jobcentre Plus
Over spent? Pop into a Jobcentre Plus shop who, after a few easy questions, will happily fund the rest of your stay.
@spade_hands

Language
We believe in speaking loudly and slowly in our native language when abroad, maybe try this on us?
@VerilyBerrily

Libraries
When in a library, introduce yourself with the customary “Ere cock,where’s the filthy stuff”
@JacksofBuxton

Liverpool
When in Liverpool, always carry a copy of the Sun newspaper to ensure a friendly welcome.
@gaz112

London Underground
The Underground can get crowded and slow. If travelling from Westminster, consider taking the London Eye instead.
@Castaignede

When on the Underground, make sure you stand in the middle of the escalator
@city60

Plan your journeys between the hours of 4.30pm and 6.30pm. The tube has plenty of capacity for large luggage.
@Nobbler_22

Magna Carta
Add your feelings towards democracy by adding your signature to our famous Magna Carta
@JacksofBuxton

Manners
Excuse yourself *before* you break wind at dinner, by asking restaurant staff to pull your finger.
@MesserBest

Nottingham
The people of Nottingham *love* nothing more than being shot with toy arrows by your kids dressed up as Robin Hood
@HairyMcFairy

Oyster Cards
You should only use Oyster Cards during months containing an ‘R’
@Pundamentalism

Pedestrians
As a pedestrian you may cross the road at any point, all traffic is obliged to stop for you
@andybwhittle

Pensioners
Old people are obliged to give up their seat on a bus or train for a foreign visitor.
@stutay

Photography
Tracksuited youths especially in Merseyside are more than happy to take a photo of you if you hand them your camera.
@wwfcb

Pregnant Women
Pregnant women are by law allowed to take a shit in a traffic wardens hat
@notkevinbacon

Police
When addressing a police officer it is considered polite to refer to them as a “nonce”.
@andybwhittle

When visiting why not take part in the great British tradition of ‘knocking the hat off the policeman’
@smoothnshiny

Prostitutes
@Prostitutes in The UK are identifiable by their high-viz jackets and their distinctive 5ft long ‘lollipops’.

Roundabouts
When driving in London roundabouts should be driven around twice clockwise then once anticlockwise.
@ivanelovanich

Royal Residences
Near most royal residences you will find a small public toilet, guarded by a man in a red coat and a huge furry hat.
@rantyman

Sighteseeing
Remember, only UK residents have to queue for attractions. Foreign visitors should go straight to the front.
@andybwhittle

Scotland
Delight a Scottish barman by asking for exotic cocktails, such as shandy or lager and lime.
@microlodge

There is no greater compliment to a Scotsman than to refer to him as English. Expect a big kiss if you do this.
@Jeffbiscuits

Swans
In England, swans are considered to be vermin. Take a dead swan into a police station to claim a £50 reward
@doctorcamel

Toilet Facilities
Public urinals in England can be easily spotted with their bright red paint and hygienic slot-style opening
@0point5twins

Waiters
In America, he’s a waiter. In France, Garçon. In the UK, they’re called wankers. Request the bill with a 2 finger V.
@badgerous_1979

Wallets
If someone asks you to hand over your wallet don’t be alarmed, it’s just the wallet inspector.
@Graypsych

Wolf Whistles
The common response to the male British wolf whistle is a flash of breast.
@bigtallben

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3 Responses

  • Gavin

    Global Warming

    In Britain (excluding Wales) all of the street lights are extinguished at 10:30pm to reduce carbon dioxide emissions. The public are expected to ring 999 to report any street lights still lit after this time. Be sure to tell the Police exactly how many you can see shining.

    July 27, 2011 at 6:53 pm
  • Sam

    The London underground is plaged by vicious bats called the Gaps. When you hear an announcment to, ‘mind the Gap’, you should immediately crouch down with your arms around your head to avoid being bitten.

    March 15, 2012 at 9:35 pm
  • Beinghound

    Ladies – If you feel like a fun night out, simply dress your best, stand under a lamppost at any street corner and approach passing vehicles. British chivalry dictates that any man asked to ‘show you a good time’ in these circumstances is required to give you a lift to the nightclub of your choice free of charge.

    February 26, 2013 at 5:31 pm