Church News: The Virgin Mary has been slapped with a restraining order banning her from ‘appearing in any vision anywhere within 200 metres of Mr. Fred Titmouse of Ashbourne, Derbyshire.’
Summarising their case against her, Counsel for the Prosecution said, “Blessing Mr. Titmouse with holy visions of herself in both his bedroom and bathroom repeatedly over the course of two years constitutes serious and persistent trespassing, as well as a clear abuse of his right to privacy.”
“The first few times she appeared to me I asked her to leave as politely as possible,” says Mr. Titmouse, 48.
“Typically it was at the end of a long day and I simply wanted to watch some television and go to sleep. Things became more serious when she appeared in the bedroom while my wife and I were enjoying an intimate moment. She refused to disperse and kept rambling on about some special message from God. It was then that I rang the police.”
This isn’t the first time the Virgin Mary has got into trouble with the authorities. In 1987, her likeness appeared on some toast in the kitchen of mother-of-three Rachel Backsale, from Didsbury, Manchester. When Mrs. Backsale simply ate the toast, the mother of Jesus began to angrily appear on every single piece of toast she ever made.
“From that moment on, nothing was sacred to her. She was all over our crockery, biscuits, my copies of Smash Hits, everything. She even appeared in mildew on the bath curtain while I was wiping my bum,” said Mrs. Backsale earlier today, still visibly traumatised by the experience.
A conciliatory Titmouse said that he hopes the court’s decision will draw a line under the whole affair so he and his family can move on with their lives.
“Listen, I’m sure The Blessed Holy Mary Mother of God is a decent woman who has just been going through a bad patch. As a devout regular church-going Catholic, I forgive her. Just stay out of our bedroom.”
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