‘UK: stop the bombs and I’ll kill your old people for you’

World News: Embattled despot Muammar Gaddafi tried to strike an extraordinary deal with the British government today after ‘closely following British news’ from his bunker.

While threats to attack Europe seem to have fallen on deaf ears, Gaddafi is attempting a different approach with the coalition government, saying: “If you stop the bombing, I will solve the problem of long-term funding of care for the elderly both quickly and efficiently.”

“It is quite clear that British old people are a nuisance,” Gaddafi announced on public radio, “and you, Mr. Cameron, cannot afford to look after them. So let me do the job you want to do, but cannot do, because that would mean killing Ken Clarke – and he is a nice man, a jolly man.”

“I will kill all your elderly people on condition you stop the bombing.”

“You can tell them they are going on a nice long cruise – but the ship will not stop at Madeira, nor will they see the Pyramids. They will stop at Tripoli. Forever.”

Ministers have condemned the offer as ‘outrageous’.

“How on earth does this desperate dictator honestly think we can fit all of Britain’s old people onto one cruise ship?” scoffed William Hague.

“It would take at least ten of them and at £800 a ticket including lunch buffets and dinner-dance, we simply do not have the resources – whatever the long-term savings may be.”