JLS: ‘We are not real humans’

Pop News: Music fans reacted in horror today after the shock news that JLS are a clever counterfeit, constructed by Chinese factory workers after the original band died in a bus crash in 2009. It’s reported the fake JLS was activated after a tragic road accident that claimed the lives of Aston, Marvin, Oritsé and Sauron late last year, just days after their debut album was released.

“Ever since they signed to a record label the fake JLS was ordered from China, it’s a common industry practice these days – and an integral part of the new bilateral trade agreement,” said one music biz insider.

“So when the flesh version of the band met their end on the A25 that fateful night, mechanical replacements were ready to be deployed within hours. Nobody knew except a few key players, and the technician who had to keep their groins oiled.”

“I’m surprised no-one noticed sooner” said the band’s manager. “The blank vacant eyes, the perfect plastic faces, untroubled by any sign of real emotion. It’s really obvious when you think about it – plus we added can of WD40 to their tour rider. The fact that this deception went on for so long is a real tribute to the quality of Chinese craftsmanship.”